my days are penetrated with an overwhelming hatred for all that surrounds me. for the dirt covering most of the surfaces in the place i live, for the inability to live by my own rules and to uncover my own truth, for the constant background noise of the tv, for the cold, for the snow, for filthy pavements, for the greyness devouring the city, for the inner stupor, for my own hopelessness, idleness and stagnation, for the absence of miracles, joy, curiosity, closeness, space, freedom.

knowing i can obtain all of that just by altering my vision and perception, since my world is built on my understanding of the reality, but damn it's hard, so fucking hard. i am so tempted to start burning everything to the ground that i can't even see beyond my stupid irritations. i hate all that is primitive, grounded, trivial and material, yet only those things seem to float around my head, haunting me wherever i go.

i have made it my personal challenge to learn to accept all i've got and learn to work within my outer limitations, but where do i begin? the concept of accepting something is so abstract, there are no guidelines to follow, no plan, no steps. just me and my feelings that i have to make peace with. how the fuck does one achieve that blissful state of being, keeping in touch with the outside world?

i am falling to pieces, struggling to maintain an image of myself that i brought back from europe. i can't let go of my aspirations. i don't see how to deconstruct all that i wanted to make out of myself and fit it into what i've got now. i thought i was strong, but i am not as strong as i need to be in order to be who i want to be.

or am i? we are yet to find out.