why is it so hard for me so begin working on my projects again? every time i attempt to start, there is an invisible force that pulls me out of it. and here we go - i actively work on something that has significantly less value for me than what i actually have to do.

is it the same old self-doubt? i bet it is, but i thought i found a way around it. yet, old patterns do not work anymore. and i'm sitting here, frozen in front of the screen, or an empty sheet of paper, or a page in my notebook.

and then there is a wave of hatred for my being, which i do not even acknowledge, and a sea of self-punishment, and a desperate silent scream.

what do i do what do i do what do i do