my million times dotted topic seems to be up and active in my mind, so there is something to be mentioned on this matter. i think, this time it is safe to say that i dodged a bullet. he is actually out of my life, nonexistent. it would be stupid not to admit that i secretly hoped for a message "happy new year bablouska". but here it is - as over as the ice age, as a hundred years war, as maya civilisation.

i was going through some of my morning pages from the beginning, and i felt so compassionate for my half-year younger self that i almost cried. yes, it finally wasn't pity or self-criticism. and it made me realise that there actually was progress.

i haven't done much, but i have come somewhere other than i've been, which came as a surprise to me.
first, i am alive and almost well, and back then i didn't think i would be. i have moved to an amazing apartment and i have been drawing quite a lot.
my body is finally slowly adjusting. i still eat a lot and feeding process is a bit chaotic, but it became impossible to consume 3000 calories in one sitting, or even eat to the point where i'm sick. i am judging my body less and less, sometimes admiring most of it.
the past couple of weeks were also very good for my psychological state. i no longer punish myself for small and irrelevant things. i deal with overwhelming conditions easier.
i am engaged and set. my values are coming into the right place. i no longer get anxious over my beliefs.
it is getting better, slower than i'd hope, but it does. 2017 was hard, but it's over.

whatever happens, happens.