as a first sign that something's wrong - words, words, words. words are like pus in my body infected with despair. i am almost absolutely sure that my physical problems will disappear once i get to a better place in my head.

and i had an epiphany today - i hate this hostel deeply, everything about it, repetitiveness, red walls, creeps stinking of sardines, shitty light. it's dragging me down and there's literally nothing for me here. the essential fuckup was when i left but returned. my new life rule would be - 'no comebacks'. none. if it didn't work once, it will not work. not with me, cause i'm shit at forgiving, though really good at forgetting.

i wish someone admired me the way i sometimes admire myself, i wish someone wanted to take pictures of me, touch my waistline, whisper words of love into my ears.

when you drink a bit too much wine, you can even begin to miss your ex, the one you got over. it's england that i miss, and his house, and his mom.

i wish i never ever want him again

days became surreal, long and detached from one another. it feels like life reboots itself every morning when i wake up. or that i am moving through parallel universes one by one, each day.
i bought myself a bottle of red wine, cheese and olives, to watch pretty women on the screen and soothe my soul. soothe is such a beautiful word.
diving into my solitude feels much better than constant anxiety. i haven't produced a single picture in 3 days. my creativity is mouldy, my mind is cloudy and very busy worrying about ethics, health and future. i am lonely and feasting my eyes on that. every day, little by little, it becomes easier to admire my body. gaining weight is psychologically hard, but i actually think i like my face better now. my harmony will come with my period, i believe that, even worrying about pregnancy (yes, again… neverending story).
it will be a million times better, though, i know that, i know i just need some time to recharge and fill my well. one day of silence would be enough.