contradicting thoughts in search of my own new truth:

vegans often hold on to their philosophy because they want superiority
most of them see it as a battle us versus them
vegetarians are just a slightly different form of the same thing
this feels dogmatic, which i don't like

also, consuming flesh is disgusting
but we've done it for thousands of years

but the idea of no harm to living beings appeals to me

although life seems to keep functioning in a very cruel way
how can eating meat be so wrong if my own body works best when i do?

i am so completely lost in this, and i kind of feel like i've just got to let go and do whatever the hell feels right and stop thinking about what others think (this is a reference to my constant inner dialogue)

today i thought that my irrational desire to go to moscow, or stay in the hostel, or come to lewis, is a mind's reaction to tough times and fear. my stressed, tensed body demands peace and comfort, which, as it remebres, was with close people and familiar environment. the desire to smoke is the same. my soul wants me to soothe this vibrating discomfort.

i am freaking out for no apparent reason. god, will i ever calm the fuck down? will i ever stop talking to them in my head, will i ever find enough strength to say enough?