as to another issue that i'm going through right now…
“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.”
it is okay. it is all fine, it's normal to have doubts - it's a part of a process. i know why i doubt myself. but i have got to calm down. i'm good enough for anything. i am strong enough to follow my dreams. i am strong enough to make the life i want happen. i am moving in the right direction. everything will be okay. again, i'm rushing myself into being someone who i have yet to become, and it's a path that i have to go through. it can't happen overnight. and it's not changing myself, it's growing and becoming a better version of myself. there's nothing wrong or bad about feeling anxious or scared. i have made a decision that will lead me to what i want, and it's normal to feel scared. i haven't tried this. well, i have… but not like this. this time what scares me is a full and total responsibility that i have to take for my actions. weirdly, like this was never the case… but i never felt it like this. i am all alone now and there's no one to make me feel better and support me. only me. only me who cares. only me to actually make it happen and only me as a back-up. only me as a cheer-up, only me to be strong for. and i am. and i can. the only thing that i have to do now, in all parts of my life, is relax and calm down. it doesn't have to be quick. it's my own way. and i am doing just fine.

not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.

i was and am good enough. there's nothing bad in wanting more, and i did. i have to be gentle with myself. i'm in no rush to get over him. i loved him and it's okay to feel sad, and it's okay to miss him, and it's normal to want to put things back together as they were - but my own heart, my own feelings, my own well-being is more important.
i have got to forgive myself for things i said or did. i din't do it wrong, i did it the way i felt at the time. and i have to forgive him. he didn't want to hurt me. he never meant to do any harm, it just so happened that i was hurt by his actions, just because of who i am and what i wanted from him.
i have to forgive him for not being committed to me, i have to forgive him for cheating (if there was any), i need to forgive him for not loving me the way i wanted him to love me.
i want to let it all go. i want to stop being angry at him and at myself, because no matter what i say to others, i am.
i also need to relax and stop desperately trying to make myself feel awesome, it's been so little time after he disappeared from my life.
i want to let go of all illusions and hopes, i want to let myself go.
i need to stop being hard on myself.

я паникую. очень сильно, вечные какие-то неприятные эмоции - льюис все вспоминается, вечная неуверенность в себе и своих силах.
мне страшно. страшно, что это не мое, я не смогу, и вообще все не так.
но это так глупо… я же сама понимаю