ok I'm so tired of sitting around, after I had bought a ticket this feeling of an upcoming adventure doesn't let me go and I just want to jump straight on a train taking me to the undiscovered and unknown places. no it's amazing that I've got those 10 days here as it allows me to actually think everything through and create a plan of action, but being so excited and terrified at the same time doesn't let me concentrate.

and I'm scared of drawing again so the whole day I've been walking around the computer but then a pile of dirty clothes accidentally fell into my arms so I had to do the laundry. and then a voice from the skies told me to wash the stairs, and to rearrange my books.
anyhow I'm full of energy and strength but scared to death so I'm pretending I'm a plant.
I know it's all okay and it'll be good and I know 100 percent I won't regret a thing.

I was reading a post I wrote half a year ago, my reflections on whether it's my work of calling or not. and the whole thing was wrong, how haven't I seen this before! the question itself. the search for a true self is wrong cause there's no true self. the self is a dynamic process that is shaped by the surrounding and the reactions and the people and the future and the past and all that.