i was hiding it from myself, but here we go: lewis made me believe i'm unworthy. again. and, yes, it's my own doubts, my own thoughts and my emotions, but him not wanting to do anything at all for me threw me right back into anxiety. it was a test eventually, and i didn't pass. i let myself doubt if i deserve love - again. and now, as i feel like i finally got him out of my head, i am understanding that the very nature of our relationship was purely my inability to respect myself. total lack of love for my being. i don't want him now, not even a little bit, i feel sick thinking of him, because he is a symbol of my negativity towards myself. and, yes, it's not his fault per se, but his existence reminds me of the time i didn't love myself. and now i finally don't care if he returns or not, no matter what he does the result is the same.
do i love myself now? patterns, elena. spiral. repetitiveness.