sadness is covering me like a blanket. i prefer to think of it as of a short period that will soon pass. i am giving myself to my emotions again, following them, bathing it them. lewis didn't just come and go like i thought and hoped - he got under my skin, into my blood, into my head. i am allowing myself to watch 'never-gonna-happen' scenarios. i am allowing myself to desire him even understanding how terribly wrong this person is for me. i know for sure that if i write him, it will change a lot. it will open a flow of pain and mutual attraction, it will be a reminder of our love that has no place here. one short word. bablouska.
spiral or circle? again, my thoughts are spinning in nostalgia, jealousy and sorrow. interesting how life becomes a beautiful dance of feelings at some point, a waltz.
this won't break me, i know for sure, but it is definitely slowing me down. but i can't fight it. emotions are out of my control. i can only watch them with pity and compassion, observe my ego's foolish attempts to make my life as flat and spiritless as it was. this won't happen. but to get rid of this brake, i have got to live it through. no hiding. pure honesty.