a step back.
i am talking to myself as if i was a little child. 'don't worry baby, it's okay'. everything feels like a first date with the person i was in love with for ages who had finally asked me out. i am shaking and sweaty in front of the door, not ready to push it open.
i felt like i've grown today. i don't crave support anymore, i don't feel like i'm in a desperate need of someone gliding my hair whilst i'm crying. there is nothing to cry about any longer.
yet i went downhill, and i am not entirely sure where the issue is. i'm anxious. i hate it here, and this is probably the first time i would admit it. i'm not inspired by my sister. i hate the place she lives in. there's a deep frustration every time i stay over at her big house in a town that has nothing to offer. i begin to fill the void with food, cigarettes, alcohol and useless information just to hide from the exhausting lack of movement and fulfilment here. thick air filled with a buzz of empty thoughts. dim.
i am becoming scared here. wrong scared, paralysed scared. long days of nothing.
what was i running from? how did i end up here?