Dear Lewis,
I know you probably don't care and I'm not even sure you will read this, but I need to write it, otherwise I will go crazy. I am not trying to make you feel bad, if that's what you think I'm doing, I'm trying to make myself feel better by telling you how I feel.
I'm really hurt, I'm hurt how I was never hurt before, I didn't even know people can feel that pain. It hurts that you were lying to me, I'm not even sure now if there was a single true thing you told me, and it feels terrible that I believed you. And I'm remembering how you taught me to trust you, how you told me that I have to believe you, it was hard, but eventually I did, you started everything, and now it feels like you did it only to take everything away from me. I partly understand why you don't want to keep going, I should've seen this coming, but I idealised you and us, I desperately wanted it to work.
It hurts so much when a person who was the closest you had in one second becomes further than another galaxy.
It is too sudden and unexpected for me, I thought you might do it, but not now, not after this incredible weekend that we had, which now I'm not sure what was, was it like "I'm sorry" or what? I don't understand anything, I believe it now, but I don't understand what has happened or was it there the whole time and I was just blind not to see it.
I was also scared that in time I might be the one to unlove you and hurt you, and I was terrified of the idea of you feeling pain. And I never lost any feeling for you, not even with the long distance, and I grew so attached to you emotionally - I don't understand where it came from.
And I truly admire your courage to do this to me - as I told you, I can't imagine doing it myself.
That would probably be easier for me if I lived in a place I liked, and had friends, and did something I loved, or at least one of the above, but I don't, and now with you gone I don't see why am I doing any of this in the first place. I am lost. But I know I'm strong, you made me believe I am, and with time I will create the life I want, now I don't see anyone else in it, I can't imagine loving anyone.
It is hard knowing everything we had was bullshit. It is hard knowing you don't give a shit, but I can handle it, I'm sure I can.
And regarding your message about friendship… Yes, you can lose me completely, if you did what you just did. You can't expect me to suffer anymore. I wouldn't mind being friends after a while, but we can never be best friends again. And I can't take your money. I know I need it, but I feel I'm being a shit person even asking you about it.
And yes, I love you Lewis, I will probably always love you, my big Bablouska, my protector and saviour, my best friend. Oh, how could I forget. Not mine anymore.

P.S. Don't respond to that, I think I will block you for a couple of weeks anyway. I don't need anything reminding me of you.