i am so frustrated and confused. like, what am i even doing? what am i even trying to do? all i wanted was to build a creative career, but it turns out in order to do that, you need to feel financially secure. and no, there is no magis and no miracles. and no, it won't be easy. and no. nope. i think i need to find a way to support myself first. i need to learn to divide creativity and money making… i fought against this for so long, denying the obvious: it won't work. i don't want to be a starving artist. it would be great if i could make a career out of this, but what if it never works out? should i die for an idea of a life of an artist?

i have long forgotten how to enjoy the process of creation. i don't really have any other skills though and i don't know how to make money from home and i'm sick of the idea of doing something i don't enjoy for a living, and for now i don't see a way out.

"When I was an up-and-coming writer, I decided very early on that I would be my own patron, my own studio wife, my own sugar daddy and that I would never demand that my writing provide for me in any way other than the only way that I know it always will, which is to please me and delight me and make me feel like I’m more than just a bystander and a consumer in the world."