all of a sudden, i became very upset with my brother. the last couple of months i've been arguing with him in my mind, and a part of me understands that it's not him who's the problem here, since this kind of judgement comes from within and is usually aimed at myself. most likely, my prblem is this: i feel like i am suffering for his sins because in my head it's his job to be here. i feel like he deprived me of my youth by "forcing" me to stay here. he didn't commit any crime, if i'm looking at it objectively. i have got to recognise his differences and his circumstances. i have got to realise he is not my father and he owes me nothing. i have got to understand he is not to blame for this despite his obvious lack of communication with his own family.
i don't understand why i have to deal with their pain that he caused. i do not understand how to build this wall of self-respect - the fence that would allow me to navigate who to tune into and what to let go of. all i came for was my dad and i had so many internal fights about it. it is hard for me to also be there for them. no one asked me if i wanted that.
i am aware of the fact that he provided me with 5 years of freedom and independance - but it hurts that i feel like he judges me for not being able to become anything (or is it me judging myself again?).
it is so hard for me to forgive him for letting this whole thing happen. it is hard to accept his own humanity, his weakness, because all he does is telling us a story of his amazingness and never showing his actual feelings. all i see is a mask of a cold and displeased deity. i sense insencerity. i sense deceit. i don't even know if he is capable of human emotion.
all i've heard was his disapproval of everything that's become of us - all of us - and standing out like a golden fucking statue.
i have to forgive him, but i have to forgive myself first.