running around with thoughts about ego like with a rotten egg. it really does bother me how much this primitive part of me needs nourishment, and i keep pumping it up with so many things. still seeking instant gratification. feeding off of people's compliments, reactions, likes, shares, attention. craving attention like a starving animal. it is interesting to watch, but it starts to get old. i want more of this deepest satisfaction i get when working. the world disappears. all of a sudden, there is nothing but me and a picture. we communicate. i ask it questions: do you like this colour? do you want a shade here? it replies with a soft vibration. everything resonates. the world resonates. i feel connected, alive, grounded. i watch how emotions come and go, good and bad, and i greet them with joy. sadness, anger, happiness, boredom, amusement, whatever it may be.
how stupid is it that i have never realised before that the support and approval of others that i kept looking for never gave me anything. it wasn't what my soul needed. nothing external makes us truly happy.
i miss randomness of my life, but i know that for now things are the way they should be. i do not want to force anything. i have to stay humble. patience, baby.