i have forgotten how to be me - the person i am most confident with, the person i'm in love with. which is, according to science and philosophy, bullshit. there is no ego, or self - or is there? how am i experiencing it then? for me, it's like denying the existence of pain as a feeling, but i do experience it. yet, this is all an illusion our brain creates. i must say, i am really confused about this.

putting aside the deep thoughts about the nature of my own self, wanted to write down a couple of notions i thought of today.

one, we are no longer on the same page - me, kate, alex and tema, we have all gone on our personal paths that are close to being the opposite. i have noticed i am still easily influenced by their so-called spirituality, but it quickly wears off. we no longer belong together, even as a short "catch up on" gathering that ends up being painful for both sides, i'm sure.

two, i fucking miss exploring in my own, maybe a bit wicked way. exploring cultures by merging with it, one way or another. i am fed up with the routine. i know those words are truly coming from a person of my generation who isn't adapted to the pace of the world and to the technological advancement, since it is so common to lack the ability to commit and to expect the overnight pleasure and success, but honestly - if you are in the wrong place… you are in the wrong place. move baby, move forward, reach for the skies.

three, i have got to push myself into doing things i am scared of. especially if it involves a risk of rejection. especially if i really want to do it.

it is quite satisfying to know that we are all broken, sometimes hopeless, sometimes miserable beings, with occasional sparkles of joy. for some, more frequent. for those who are ready to accept the brutality of being and go against the stream, or being able to accept their lives for what they are, it is more frequent. i have got to learn, and fast.