i just hope this is all hormonal thing, because the emotions overflow my body. i almost cried watching a video of eleven-year-old boy doing ballet and being strong enough to speak of the possible vulnerability and fear, and his masculinity and desires and feelings.
now, with almost no reason, i get overwhelmingly sad, and then annoyed, and then i'm calm again. this hasn't happened in such a long time.
Andy has told me the other day that he can't imagine me with anyone, and that he hasn't seen me with a man for ages. surprisingly to me, i felt a bit disappointed and sad about this tiny meaningless notion. what does Andy's opinion on that thing matter? the truth is, no matter how much i desire closeness, i can't think of being with anyone, so he is right to not believe i could have a partner just yet.
i know this is absolutely natural to crave a connection with someone, it's what makes me human, but damn this is distracting. i wish i wasn't scared of people and i wish that the amount of social interaction i have now was enough.