okay, maybe it is time for a tiny reminder.
no matter how good those images that my subconscious is giving me about lewis are, we are over for good. there were so many more moments when i went crazy and couldn't stop aching from the inside, crying. he hurt me way too much, but i am still moaning that he is gone. why am i ignoring how toxic our relationship was?
why am i still having dreams of him kissing me on the forehead? i still talk to him from time to time, imagine his reactions to what's happening to me, imagine talking to his mother.
i was in love with his name, and his environment, and body. he had the most beautiful hands. he had the most gentle touch. everything that happened between us was so exciting and new and pretty, that i can't imagine that it would ever happen againg. i don't see myself attractive enough, i have lost my communication skill, i am awkward lately and i just… i don't want strangers. i don't have the emotional capacity to interact with people, but i crave closeness.
also, fucking crave cigarettes. ugh.

every time i am coming back into the past in order to evaluate my experience and think about what and how went wrong, it makes me laugh to read my emotional flows of words. if i knew the outcome of each event, if i knew how little it matters in the grand scheme, would i be so worried, still? would i cry all those tears out, would i scratch the walls out of fear, would i feel same pain?
how great it is that i don't know! how else would i later find out it is not worth it? but the truth is, my mental health is much more important than anything. i can't let emotions make my reality up.