applause! i let myself into a trap that i designed.

i think to ask those korean guys if they have a position available. cool if they have, huh? travelling the world and teaching korean kids drawing… sounds like a very unlikely dream.

i am crying.
i am allowed to feel anything in the world. even if i did it all to myself, i'm allowed to feel it. i'm allowed to be ugly and i'm allowed to be lonely. i'm allowed to be fat, miserable and depressed, i'm allowed to be nervous, i'm allowed to fail, i'm allowed to be sad about it. i'm allowed to be scared. i'm allowed to be me.

i was hiding it from myself, but here we go: lewis made me believe i'm unworthy. again. and, yes, it's my own doubts, my own thoughts and my emotions, but him not wanting to do anything at all for me threw me right back into anxiety. it was a test eventually, and i didn't pass. i let myself doubt if i deserve love - again. and now, as i feel like i finally got him out of my head, i am understanding that the very nature of our relationship was purely my inability to respect myself. total lack of love for my being. i don't want him now, not even a little bit, i feel sick thinking of him, because he is a symbol of my negativity towards myself. and, yes, it's not his fault per se, but his existence reminds me of the time i didn't love myself. and now i finally don't care if he returns or not, no matter what he does the result is the same.
do i love myself now? patterns, elena. spiral. repetitiveness.