second very important discovery that is yet to be pondered: relationship anarchy.
my god that concept was like a fucking glass of water for me dying of thirst in the desert. why haven't i implemented that before? why have i been so shallow and closed-minded?
the main outcome of finding out about this philosophy was that… it helped me completely change the way i felt about my one and only relationship. accepting the idea that a-monogamy is not necessary, b-romantic love has become the most important one not that long ago, and it was a social construct rather than a biologically preferred one, c-the "morality" related to connecting with people and expressing the emotion sexually existed predominantly as a tool for controlling the mob.
this revelation leads me to this: i was so heart-broken because unknowingly i was building my life and my future plans around an idea that the highest purpose of my life, or any other life for that matter, is to find a "soulmate", and i'm not living to the fullest when i'm not in love. and the vast majority of western culture feels or thinks that way, and they are not to blame. nobody is to blame really, i mean it's just the way things were and that's where they led us, but it doesn't have to be that way forever, and certainly doesn't have to be that way for me.

and lewis, dear lewis, how wonderfully grateful am i that we followed different paths.

of course it's not his fault i was trying to fit myself into this idea of a "perfect relationship" - being so mindblowingly in love and being soulmates and being a fucking. perfect. thin. cis. white. couple. that marries and has beautiful children later, but he played his role well, and he was an emotional abuser (as feminists nowadays would call him).
following this scenario promises you happiness and well-being - another bag of lies. another limiting belief in my system that i had no idea about.
i don't have to be with a man. i don't have to have anybody in my life, or i can have multiple romantic connections at once, or i can have one platonic but very intimate relationship.
there isn't a wrong way of doing things here, except for the one where i'm being dishonest. with myself and with the others.
staying true, following the flow. shaping my journey based on curiosity and interest and love and connection. not following someone else's ideals.

i had liberated myself from the need of being always right. i had given myself the privilege of being free in any area of life that needs this inner freedom. it is so simple yet so incredibly complicated. such a long way to that thought: if i need to be free, i have to liberate myself. i have to destroy all those impediments standing in my way; all of them only exist in my mind. i am the biggest fence in my own journey and there is still so much work to be done.
i might be wrong. i might be judged. i will be judged, for sure, but i would've been judged anyway; so i am free - to be weak, to learn, to love, to enjoy, to make decisions, to create, to explore, to cry, to eat, to think and to sing, and to dance, and to let go, and to make the change and to be the change, and to hide if needed, and to listen to my body, to rest, to work, to choose. to live.
i am free to live my life the way i want to live it.