i do not know if that's a revelation or a thought that keeps coming back (and there's a tiny old man inside of my mind who's got alzheimer's), but i have got to note that somewhere.

every time i am going through hard times of any kind, i am using the same mantras "i will be okay", "i will manage", "i will get through this". as i keep pondering the idea that the result is irrelevant, at least not as meaningful as we all tend to imagine, the whole process of calming myself down gets more and more stupid and unnecessary.

now, think about it: the hard times are my life, same as good times, same as strange or hectic ones. what am i getting through? i am living, not continuously trying to manage something, not endlessly trying to achieve the unattainable happiness, or good life in its dullest form.

the problem with my mantras is the fundamental thought that now is not okay, and i need to get where it is perfect, happy, nice and warm and cosy, but this place doesn't exist. obviously, on the one hand it is the engine for most of humanity's beginnings, this doesn't let us stall in idleness and die, but on the other hand it makes us forever hollow, hungry for more and more and more, insatiable.

and this sort of motivation has never gotten me anywhere, it has only made me miserable, lost in my head, hoping for some abstract "when i grow up" time, or "when i am rich" time, or any other "if only" time. i get stuck looking into the future, constantly running away.

this contemplation leads me to the conclusion that i need to stop trying to overcome, stop trying to look at the destination, and concentrate on what i've got.

jesus this is so obvious, and always has been, and this is so funny that i am reinventing a bicycle here.