i have noticed that i am still gaining weight, just very very slowly. i started exercising, but only to feel better and stronger.
and i've aknowledged that i must be still influenced by the ridiculous beauty standards, considering i was unhappy thinking that i might be gaining more… and it just makes me angry, all of it. i am so quiet about everything i am discovering and going through, and this time i just want to shout back at the society that makes me feel like i have to look a certain way and that i am just not skinny enough, or not beautiful enough, that i am just wrong, which is nonsense.
i am now 6 kilograms above the mark that half a year ago i would consider 'max weight allowed', and i feel so much better. i am finally more or less in peace with food, i do eat a lot, like actually a lot, but damn i am happy not to be aware of the amount of consumed calories and to be free of guilt around any food. but it makes me so sad to watch those girls do crazy stuff like 'this month i officially eat no dairy, bread, meat and sugar', because i just don't get it anymore. i just want to tell everyone to love themselves regardless of the appearance, and the good look will naturally follow, just slowly. because when you love yourself unconditionally, you do things that make you feel better, you chase different kind of satisfaction - not the satisfaction of being appreciated by others, but the satisfaction of pleasing yourself. not a single woman that loves herself would become obese, because she would celebrate her body and do things that feel good - walks, stretches, swimming, balanced nutrition, fun, and no worries about weight, because it is not what identifies you as a person and is definitely not what dictates your well-being.
sometimes i am still getting thoughts like 'maybe i should eat a little bit less… or healthier...', and then i remind myself of a trap that follows this mindset. i should listen closely to my own body's needs. if i don't feel like exercising, i probably shouldn't. if i crave a 1500 calorie dessert, so be it. celebrating body, and food, and pleasure - in a very hedonistic way, but why wouldn't i? what would i suffer for? why would i hate myself for craving sugar, or meat, or bread, or cheese, or any other food labled 'bad' by fitness experts and chronic dieters?
soon, i will master the art of ignoring the outer world messages saying there's something wrong with me and i need to change, and i will be able to live by my own truth, listening to my own body, and being able to adjust my behavior based on my personal needs.
and just tell everyone else to fuck off with the rules that they think work for everybody, and shove their 'good intentions' up their ass.