i should probably stop drinking alone, but tonight i have got red wine and waves of memories that i try hide from by covering it up with emptiness of the majority of the information that i stumble upon in the world web. the more wine there is in me, the less sense there is in this moment. i am wearing an oversized hippie shirt and fluffy socks and imagine how this moment is outside of the timeline - like i am allowed to just stew in my melancholy.
when i was an adolescent, after i turned 15, i thought i wanted to end up completely alone, with no one else by my side. now that i think about most of my assumptions back then, it feels like they grew out of a burning desire to separate myself from the others. i am still sometimes making my beliefs on the base of a strong certainty that i have to differ from the rest somehow. yeah, sounds lame, however i am still driven by the idea of opposing myself to this world.

also, funny - no wonder this is so hard to change the way i see myself, i have done absolutely nothing to respect myself for in the field i would love to accomplish something. but, as a little cheer-yourself-up thing - feels good to make sentences in a different language that sound beautiful and not too cheesy, just out of my mind, with no help of a translator. also, feels good to paint something i know i am going to do good. also, life is not too bad. just hard, like there is a fucking huge pile of shit on my shoulders. the stupidest thing - i chose this consciously.

yeah… maybe i am just not strong. and my values are probably shit. also, i am average as fuck, huh. i used to fight the idea of mediocrity in my head.
and it's okay.

to my last hesitance and query as a result: if you love something, it is normal to feel resistant to it. if you didn't love it, you would feel nothing at all.